On Variants of a Single Sentence

2 April 1990, Monday, Ampthill

Today I might have become self employed¹ for the first time, but didn’t.

1. That’s all young-Toby wrote this day in 1990. He is looking back on the life in Glasgow that he’s not going to live. Setting up a small business to write a novel that wasn’t going to get published.

Unrelated to that is this footnote I expect nobody to read in full. (If you do, please let me know.)

It’s very much about where young-Toby is, and has remained, however. Which is in sentences, and in the re-re-writing of them.

This entry is intended to give some sense of that pursuit and delirium.

Yesterday’s entry about literary extinction begins — in the complete version — with my attempts to re-rewrite the first sentence. Occasionally, these are the iterations I go through.

Dozens.

To see which is the ‘best’ version.

Whilst rapidly becoming dizzy with kaleidoscopic variants. Pause it now. No, pause it now.

Here they make the point without reaching it.

Each is a different possibility, a committable statement, here where I speed —

I am trying imagine the last moment this sentence will exist.

I am trying to imagine the last moment of existence for this particular sentence.

I am trying to imagine this particular sentence’s last moment of existence.

I am trying to imagine this sentence’s last moment of existence.

I am trying to imagine this sentence’s final moment of existence.

We are trying to imagine this sentence’s final moment of existence.

I am trying to imagine the last moment of existence of the I at the beginning of this sentence.

I am trying to imagine the last moment of existence of the I that stood at the beginning of this sentence.

I am trying, for you, to imagine the last moment of existence of the I that once stood at the beginning of this sentence.

I am attempting to imagine the final moment of existence for the I that stands at the beginning of this sentence.

I am trying to imagine the final moment of existence for the I at the beginning of this sentence.

I am trying to imagine the final moment of existence for the I at the start of this sentence.

I am trying to imagine the final moment of existence from the I with which this sentence begins.

I am trying to imagine the final moment the I at the beginning of this sentence exists.

I am trying to envisage picture the final moment of the sentence I with which this sentence began.

I am trying to imagine the very final moment of existing for the I with which this sentence begins.

I am trying to envisage the final instant of existence for the I with which this sentence began.

I have been trying to envisage the very last moment of existence for the I with which this sentence began.

I have been trying to envisage the very last moment of existence for the I with which this sentence begins.

I have been attempting to envisage, without success, the very last moment of existence for the I with which this sentence began.

I have been trying to imagine the moment at which the I with which this sentence begins will cease to exist.

I have been trying to imagine the moment at which the I at the beginning of this sentence ceases existing.

I have been trying to imagine the moment at which the I at the start of this sentence ceases existence.

I have been trying to envisage the moment at which the I with which this sentence began will cease to exist.

I have been trying to imagine the moment at which the I at the start of this sentence will cease existing.

I have been trying to imagine the moment at which the I at the start of this sentence stops existing.

I am trying to imagine the moment at which the I at the start of this sentence stops existing.

I am trying to imagine the moment when the I at the start of this sentence stops existing.

I am trying to imagine the moment when the I at the start of this sentence ceases to exist.

I am trying to envisage the moment when the I at the start of this sentence ceases to exist.

I am trying to imagine the moment at which the I at the start of this sentence ceases – ceases to exist.

I am trying to imagine the moment when the I at the beginning of this sentence ceases to exist.

I am struggling to imagine the moment when the I at the beginning of this sentence finally ceases to exist.

I am struggling to picture the moment when the I at the beginning of this sentence ceases to exist. Not because it is too difficult, but because there are too many possibilities simultaneously.

Not because it is too difficult, but because there are simultaneously too many possibilities.

I have been struggling to imagine the moment when the I at the start of this sentence finally ceases to exist.

I have been struggling to imagine the moment the I at the start of this sentence finally ceases to be.

I have been struggling to imagine how the I at the start of this sentence finally ceases to be.

I have been struggling to imagine how the I at the start of this sentence ceases to be.

I have been struggling to imagine how the I at the beginning of this sentence eventually ceases to be.

I have been struggling to see the moment at which the I with which this sentence begins finally ceases to be.

What I am trying to imagine is the last moment these words exist.

What I am trying to imagine is the last moment these words exist.

The thing I am/I’m trying to imagine is the very last moment these words [will] exist.

The thing I have been trying to imagine is the moment these words cease to exist.

I am trying to imagine the moment these words will stop existing.

I am trying to imagine the moment these words stop existing.

What I am trying, with difficulty, to imagine is the exact moment these words cease to exist/stop existing.

What I have been, with difficulty, because they have yet to be written, trying to imagine is the exact moment when these words will cease to exist.

What I have been, with difficulty, because they have yet to be created, trying to imagine is the exact moment these words cease to exist.

What I have been trying to imagine, with difficulty, because they have yet to be created, is the exact moment these words cease to exist.

I have been trying to imagine the circumstances in which these words will cease to exist.

I am trying to imagine the last moment these words will exist.

There is some crossing out to do.