On That Time I Was On Hollyoaks

Probably the first time a book has appeared

I used to be famous — at least, I was famous within five feet of the counter in most UK bookshops.

If I wasn’t recognised when I walked up to the till, there was a reasonable likelihood that the bookseller would clock my name when I handed over my debit card.

This was in the aftermath of Corpsing coming out. That’s around the year 2000. That’s around a quarter of a century ago. That’s a very different time, so I feel I can say something about it.

Like Patti Smith talks very fondly of ‘Because the Night’ as ‘my hit’, I think I can say — in a much smaller way — that Corpsing was ‘my hit’.

Corpsing got into the top ten in WH Smiths. It sold very well. It was The Late Book on Radio 4, read by Stephen Tompkinson (Ballykissangel). It was translated into eleven languages including Japanese and Hebrew. There was a film deal. Corpsing was optioned by Industry Entertainment, based in Hollywood. They were the producers of Sex, Lies and Videotape, Drugstore Cowboy and The Player. A screenplay was written by Paul Mayersberg, who wrote The Man Who Fell to Earth and Merry Christmas, Mr. Lawrence. I never read it. And it went no further than a second draft.

If I’d followed up with another crime novel, then another, I wouldn’t be who I am. Follow ups are not in my nature; ludicrous zigzags are.

It’s taken me a while to realise this. (I’m a hare. I do hare-like haring about.)

Perhaps the most delightfully unexpected thing this brief fame brought me was an appearance, in book form, on Hollyoaks.

Even more delightfully unexpected was how I heard about it.

I was in touch with JG Ballard’s partner of many years, Claire Walsh, via email. She seemed to like me, partly, I think, because I taught at Birkbeck College, where she was studying English. In January 2013, she sent me an unexpected message:

You’ve just been given a great plug on Hollyoaks, of all unlikely places!

Claire — who said she was a massive Hollyoaks addict (but didn’t say if Jim Ballard was an addict, too) — followed this up with:

So glad you’ve recorded it. I don’t suppose you’ve ever watched Hollyoaks so you can have no idea how extraordinary the reference is. I think it’s probably the first time a book has appeared, ever. And one of the characters says something on the lines of – Toby Litt is a good writer. You certainly have a fan there!

I never found out who the writer of that episode was. (Thanks to them.)

Apart from being the wrong answer to a question on Bradley Walsh’s gameshow, The Chase, this is as mainstream as I’ve ever got.

If anyone can tell me a bit more about the characters, the context, anything about my Hollyoaks moment, I’ll be very glad to hear.

Enough time has passed.